One Drink, One Drunk

Well all has been peachy keen up until last week: the meal plans were more on the starchy side (still on plan, but dinner had starch every night) and the produce was chemical laden.  My energy levels slowly went down.  Did I mention I've been skipping breakfast?

Saturday the man's kid came to visit for the weekend and really wanted banana bread.  I found a decent recipe online and whipped some up.  And I partook.  Not a huge deal but the recipe had a half cup of sugar and a cup and a half white flour.  After the first piece I didn't care how much more I ate and ended up eating three good size portions.

I came to my senses, I thought, the next day when I turned down fresh chocolate cake when visiting my niece. And I skipped lunch.

The next night I was logy and when the man left to take his kid back to her mother's, something came over me and I attacked the stash of chocolate in the closet I had bought for my nieces birthday party.  I felt possessed.  The same possession I was familiar with for many years... the same possession I get when I'm craving a cigarette.  And I can't just have one.

I ate about ten snack size chocolate bars, even after feeling full and sick halfway through this binge.  I was crazed.  I felt horrible, physically and mentally.  I felt like a failure because I expected to be more immune to this trap after five weeks on Eat To Live.

I have since forgiven myself, but fell into another old trap today - fasting after a binge to make up for it.  My intentions were good, in face they were the same intentions I've had most days lately when skipping breakfast - to let my body digest as much as it can before I shove more in there.  Give it a change to heal as much as possible. I still have no idea if that is a smart thing to do, but I have a feeling that if I hadn't been skipping breakfast so much, I would have been less vulnerable to temptation.

This experience has taught me at a.)food addiction is no different than addiction to drugs, alcohol, or cigarettes and if I have one, I have to be extra diligent because an addict can't just have one.  Once its in my system, I will go through withdrawal and want more.  I need to remember this and save my guilty pleasures for when they really count; b.)Even the littlest amount of starch/grains effects me - I tend to feel much better without it, so I need to try to spread dinners with starch in them farther apart; c.)skipping a meal on a regular basis might not be the best idea.  I haven't been eating enough and I have to remember that more of the ETL foods is better than less;  d.)keeping temptation in the home if it's not absolutely necessary, is just asking for trouble.  Don't do this anymore!

So I'm taking my lessons and continuing anew.  I'm on the last of week of the six week trial and want to finish it successfully.  I don't plan on stopping there, of course, as I can say without a doubt that just the change in my energy levels and sleep, this is worth sticking to.

TVP Nightmare

Yesterday I went with my partner to a friend's house-warming party (Lord Of The Rings Marathon).  All was well until it was time to eat.  Since we would be there all day and most of the night, we had to eat there.  That's okay, this guy is a Vegan and apparently a good cook!  So we sat down to lunch.

He placed a bowl of homemade chili in front of me and I asked what was in it, because I could see what looked like a meat-type substance in abundance in this chili.  He listed all the usual chili ingredients and TVP.  I guess he saw the look on my face and assumed I had a problem with soy.  I have no problem with soy as long as it is a.)organic (because if it's not organic it's most likely genetically modified) and b.)in its natural form or as close as possible to that.

I politely said that it's okay, that I'm just a bit weary of TVP.  He laughed condescendingly, as if I was missing some secret knowledge about this product.

I don't claim to know much about TVP, but I do know how it is made and that alone is enough information for me to not want to put it into my body.

I'm gonna try to explain the process in as simple a way as possible, since I'm not any kind of scientist:

They take the soy beans, grind them into mill/flour, and remove the hull and fat.  They change the structure of that using acid or base (usually hexane, which is a type of gasoline) which kills the cells of it.  They compress it, which changes the structure of the protein.  It becomes a form of plastic that can change structure when heat or liquid is applied.  Mmmmm.  Denatured soy, yum.  I think I prefer food that is actually food and not something that has been heavily processed to the point of changing it into something completely different and unrecognizable from its original structure, something that hasn't had its cells killed.  If you take that and add the fact that the majority of TVP made uses GMO soy, you're looking at quite an alien substance.  I believe it would be far healthier to eat meat than eat this garbage.

I knew TVP was bad news for my body but I didn't actually learn how it was made until today, after the damage was done.

I ate my chili - I was starving, but it was a very small bowl.

Then came dinner.

Vegan wraps made with (you guessed it) TVP. 

After that there was no going back: my stomach felt horrible, I got a headache, I felt sick, and gassy!  And I felt stupid for not having made the decision to just not eat anything rather than eat that shit.  That would have come across as rude, but I think my health is more important.

We left before the third movie started, both of us feeling like hell.  I want nothing more than to get the stuff out of my system as soon as possible.  And I have learned my lesson - better to fast than to poison myself.

I haven't eaten yet today, just water with lemon, and I don't plan on eating anything more than raw veggies, maybe a bit of fruit.  Yesterday made me feel like the progress I've made for the last week and a half has all be ruined by one day.  I hope that's not true.